I've Decided to Embrace the Hot Weather

Since hot weather is apparently here to stay, I’ve decided to embrace it.

I have little choice. There’s no escape.

While I can hide inside, the relief is only temporary, and if I move any farther north, I’ll have to learn to speak Canadian.

Dressing -- or more accurately undressing – for the heat is of upmost importance. I haven’t worn long pants in weeks, and socks are even too much most days.

It seems only a short time ago that I was dressing for winter, pulling on long underwear as soon as I crawled out of bed, and not daring to go outside minus gloves or a hat.

Oh, how I longed for summer and the luxury of wearing next to nothing, just enough to cover the offending parts.

Now I miss those bitter cold days, and the inconvenience of putting on all those layers of clothes. It’s been so hot I even considered investing in a thong.

Then the bugs came out.

Along with an infestation of grasshoppers this summer, it’s also a banner year for deer flies and mosquitoes, who took my summer wardrobe as an invitation to dinner.

Consequently I’m covered with bites, which I took as a man until they started itching. I tried to ignore them, but quickly succumbed. Now I look like a crack addict, covered with scabs and sores that I’m constantly scratching.

I tried going back to long pants and long-sleeved shirts, but they made it too hard to scratch all the bites.

So here I sit, sweating profusely, hoping the sun will soon cauterize my itching wounds, telling myself 100 degrees isn’t really that hot.

And it’s not as hot as the 106 we had a couple of weeks ago, not as hot as the 103 that’s in the forecast.

There’s no relief in sight so I might as well get used to it. There are advantages. The lawn may never need to be mowed again. I’ve completely forgotten what 30-below feels like, and I don’t need to warm up the truck before I go for a drive.

It’s too soon yet to wish for the cooler days of fall. Snow, frost and ice are a long ways off. There’s still plenty of time to get my money’s worth out of a thong.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected]