On Facing a Blue Christmas

Undoubtedly, this Christmas is like no other for each one of us. Looking back on such a nasty year, it is hard to imagine the injustice of not being able to or facing the decision of whether to spend it with our loved ones. As a person who cherishes the memories, traditions and rituals that accompany each holiday season, I feel especially aware of how many people may be struggling. Many of us are facing not just the choice as to how and with whom to celebrate, but how to get through the holidays without a loved one that we have lost this past year.

About twenty years ago, I lost three grandparents and my mother in the space of five years, and holidays were forever changed. The first few years, I gripped tightly to the traditions and rituals, felt the losses so sharply with each and every detail that was different or missing because they weren’t there. I feel a bit fraudulent writing this because I handled it anyway but well for years. But that’s okay, too, because it is HARD.

In time, I created my own version of those traditions without even realizing it. Every year, my grandpa Swede would tell the story about how the Swedish pastor came to dinner, and grandpa asked him if they ate a lot of lutefisk back home. “We used to,” he answered, “But we get good fish now.” Now I tell that story EVERY DANGED YEAR. So, check!

To those of you that are facing this, know that your grief is yours. Allow yourself time to honor your loss, and that can look however you want it to. Take a walk to celebrate their lives, light a candle, or watch Grease 2 eight times in a row and eat pizza in your pajamas. It’s okay. There is no pressure to make this holiday as close to normal as possible, because it isn’t normal. It won’t always be this way, but it is right now, and taking care of yourself the best way that you know how to is the only thing that you have to do.

To those of us that have had to choose to do things differently because of the pandemic, you might be feeling some of these same feelings. In the middle of an outbreak of an isolating illness, in an already isolated place, this is hard. But we can do it however we want. Last night one of my sisters organized a family video chat to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Those of us who can be together this year will go ice skating instead of having a big family event. The rest of us will join in as we can via Zoom or phone calls. New traditions will be formed, and we will know that we are keeping each other a little bit safer.

The best cure for isolation is community, so look for ways to connect with others in any way that you can. Join an online group or hobby group, reach out to your loved ones, look out for your neighbors, and take care of yourselves. Merry Christmas, and may you have a safe and gentle new year.