A swell guy, regardless

I spit in a tube last week.

My wife made me do it. She wants to know who I am.

I thought I knew, but perhaps who I think I am is just who I identify as and not who I really am, or is, or was.

Until recently I was unaware I had options.

Now, it seems, I can be all that I can be or want to be without ever joining the Army.

It’s my choice.

So I choose to self-identify as …

Who knows.

I can’t make up my mind.

The choices are overwhelming.

As much as I’d like to be a tall, muscled, young black man lighting it up in the NBA, adoring crowds chanting my name when I enter the arena, identifying myself as such isn’t going to make it happen.

Like Popeye says “I yam what I yam,” and that appears to be a skinny old white man who hunts and fishes too much, and smells faintly of spaniel.

But that’s who I am, not my identity.

I self identify as a thinker of great thoughts and wise words, a gentle soul with nary a mean bone in my body. I hesitate to self identify my sexuality because, as my mother would say: “That’s none of your business.”

But Mom’s been gone for years now, and proudly proclaiming your sexual orientation is the norm these days.

I could self-identify as a fine shot who rarely misses, a maestro with the fly rod, and a skilled technician at the oars, but I don’t have boots tall enough to wade through that.

Hopefully Ancestry.com will provide some answers.

It may be that I’m not who I think I am. Instead of northern European heritage, it’s possible my ancestors were a bit more exotic, pirates perhaps, or members of Genghis Khan’s Mongol horde.

It used to be that simply proclaiming yourself to be this or that didn’t hold water. People would point and laugh. Everything wasn’t your choice.

Now, apparently, it is. And however outrageous the claim, we must respect it and actually give it some credence.

I can dig it.

This may change after I hear back from Ancestry.com., but in the meantime: Parker Heinlein self-identifies as the premier outdoorsman in the state of Montana. He is relatively fluent in English, kitchen dances with the best of them, and still has most of his teeth.

DNA be damned.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected]