The company of neither

Folks frequently say they prefer the company of dogs to people.

I don’t see much difference.

I get annoyed at both.

It’s not even true that dogs are always glad to see you. Most of the time, sure, but catch Fido with his head buried in the garbage can and it’s a sure bet he’s wishing you were somewhere else.

Same thing when you walk in on him lifting his leg on the recliner. That’s not a look of “I’m happy to see you” on his face.

Some dogs like some people, don’t know when to shut up. The difference is that people get mad when you tell them to pipe down while dogs usually just ignore you until you threaten them.

Puppies, like babies, are cute and cuddly, cry a lot, and pee on the floor. Old dogs, like old people, have their own special funk, complain a lot, and pee on the floor.

My wife and I share our home with three dogs of various ages and personalities. The youngest, Ace, is an odd bird, who refuses to eat at the same time as his kennel mates, howls like a wolf when I leave him at home, and only recently, at the age of four, began to swim.

Jem, the middle dog, is our Eddie Haskell. He keeps himself well groomed, always looks like he’s paying attention, and comes when called.

Unless he’s out of sight which can happen in an instant. Then he’s in the garbage, stealing the other dogs’ food or lifting his leg on something he shouldn’t. At 10, he still thinks he belongs on my lap and should sleep on my bed.

Spot, our 13-year-old, has always been a sweet dog, but like a lot of senior citizens she’s deaf, frail, and stinks. I’ll give her a bath and an hour later catch of whiff of old dog again. Once she starts barking it’s hard to get her to stop. She no longer wanders out to the yard to do her business, having decided some time ago it’s much easier to simply squat on the deck or the sidewalk just outside the back door.

But as much trouble as my dogs can be, they can also be locked in the kennel, left to their own devices, or tied to a very short leash in a canine version of ‘time out.”

There are a lot of people I wish I could treat in the same fashion.

At times I prefer the company of neither.

Parker Heinlein is at [email protected]