Reality TV has turned me into a know-it-all

For most people, the term Reality TV conjures images of the Kardashians being annoying, Paris Hilton mindlessly flaunting her wealth or the boys of Duck Dynasty doing any and everything in 22-minutes besides building bird calls.

And let’s be honest, there is very little “reality” in Reality TV. Most of the shows are scripted from the opening scene until the conclusion with whatever problem the “stars” were facing is solved and squared away, wrapped in a pretty red bow.

But there are a handful of shows, real or scripted, that I watch in my down time and with the conclusion of each show I know more and more about a specific topic until I know, deep in my heart, I am an expert in a specific field.

Take the show Storage Wars for instance. My family have been watching this series since day one and when we sit and watch a new episode, my wife, daughter and I are expert at knowing which lockers contain a profit and which are junk. All it takes is a quick camera pan through the storage unit and soon one of us will say:

“That is a good locker, lots of dust and packed well,” says the 11-year-old.

“Yep,” says my wife. “Look at the legs on that table, definitely a French Provincial dresser.”

“If the price is right, take it,” I follow. “But anything over $2,000 is a waste and they should drop it on someone else.”

This type of jargon will ooze from us until the buyer of the storage locker comes back to dig through the treasures he/she has bought. Nine time out of 10, the three of us are pretty accurate (that time we are wrong, we just pretend like it never happened.)

Pawn Stars is about the same as Storage Wars and the three of us can detect a forged presidential signature in a heartbeat (most of them are penned by their secretaries) Same deal wirh American Pickers. We know what to pay, when we are getting price gouged and when we are getting a deal. We make the checkers at grocery stores crazy as we try to haggle prices…that is not how retail works, we quickly remember.

Some Reality TV shows make me a know-it-all in a different way. The show Deadliest Catch has taught me that if I ever thought I could work the deck of a crab fishing boat in Dutch Harbor, I was really wrong and should be slapped in the back of the head for even contemplating it. Those guys make John Wayne look like a sissy.

Another show that I have learned a lot from is Cops …bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? . After years of watching the show I know that more often than not drunk men go to jail without shirts – or very many teeth – or if a police officer finds something illegal in your pockets that the old excuse of “these aren’t my pants” isn’t going to fly and you are going to be incarcerated.

Finally, what watching Reality has taught me is that chronicling the day-to-day operations at the offices of the Phillips County News would, indeed, make for great television. Watching the four of us freak out for six days wondering how we are going to put out another newspaper 15-minutes after the last one was put to bed would have so much drama and intrigue that the show’s rating would be through the roof. You probably disagree with my last statement, but what you would have to agree with is that each of you would love to own a Pierre Bibbs bobble-head (bought at Wal Mart, no less.)Wouldn’t you?

Maybe I’m not such a know-it-all.

Thanks for reading and Aloha.