Worst column ever? There is always next week

Today’s edition of the Phillips County News marks the 20th edition of the paper with me at the helm as skipper. What that means is that for the past five months I have tortured you, dear readers, with misspellings of names, failure to cover important stories and more than a few typos as I learn my new beat here in Phillips County.

The good news is that I am becoming more and more comfortable with the area and wonderful people that make up this community. People have welcomed me here with open arms – though a handful of people still aren’t too keen on me – and made me feel that I belong here and that setting down roots here with my family is the best decision that I’ve made in my 40 years on the third rock from the sun.

The bad news is, sorry to say, that I am going to have to torture you a little more with this week’s column because quite frankly, I don’t know what to write about. This space has to be filled, and I am the man to fill it, but what with?

My initial idea was talk about the growing problem of cardboard that is building up around Malta (see the City Council story on page 1.) I have an idea about what to do with this cardboard, but to get 600 words of how I would build a really cool fort out of the boxes for my daughter seemed a little flimsy.

The next column idea I had was to ask for some advice about the doves in town...at least I think they are doves, maybe they are pigeons, but whatever, I’ve got an issue with this species of bird, whichever they may be. Now I know that these birdies have brains smaller than a pea, but does that automatically make them suicidal? Each time I drive around town I have to bring my car to a complete stop so I don’t run any of these feathery irritants over. Are they drunk? Why don’t they move? Seagulls always get out of my way. So do the robins. Can someone please explain to me why the doves won’t move and instead just stand in the middle of the road, staring at me with their beady little peepers? Did they work road construction in a previous life? (See what I mean, that tirade only took up a small chunk of this column...upward and onward I suppose.)

There are probably 1,000 topics going on around the world and within our country that I could use as fodder for this week’s column, but to be honest since I have taken over as editor of this newspaper I eat, sleep and drink Phillips County and have become a bit of a shut in to the rest of the world (or is it shut out?) Besides the occasional 30 minutes of Sports Center on ESPN, I watch very little local or national news and reading a newspaper after 50 hours of looking at this one sounds about as appealing as licking an ashtray— which was, in fact, the name of the very first Punk Rock band I was in...I played a mean electric cowbell.

I will try to come up with a better topic for this column next week and indeed march to the beat of my own drum, but for this week, consider this column done without any misspellings or typoes ...crud! So much for that. Thanks for reading and Aloha.